Ella’s Last Days of Unconditional Love

Ella, our wonderful Golden Retriever, is now living her last few days. She has had cancer of the muzzle and mouth for more than six months and, despite medication, is in a lot of pain. She can no longer eat on her own since the cancer has spread all around her upper teeth and the tumor descends down into her mouth. And sometimes, after she does eat with our help, she bleeds from the mouth, which is now infected. Though the cancer has contorted her face and closed one of her eyes, she is still an amazingly beautiful being.

In spite of her fast-deteriorating condition, she still plays with us when she has the energy, goes on walks with us (albeit it at a very slow pace), wags her tail profusely when friends come over, helps Dasha welcome and heal her acupuncture clients, and reminds us always of the power and mystery of unconditional love.

Dasha and I brought Ella into our family at the age of six weeks after we had been living together for only a few months. My son, Benoit, named her after Ella Fitzgerald. Ella has been our constant companion and has brought great joy to us and all those who have met her. She took part in our Sunday night meetings in San Francisco and has been a regular participant in my Sunday night group meetings in Scottsdale. After welcoming everyone, she generally lies down in the center of our circle and reminds us all through her steady breathing and deep relaxation of what it means to let go.

Guided by observation, intuition, and the advice of her doctor (with whom she is very comfortable), we will take her to the clinic on Friday, April 24th at 4 PM to finally relieve her suffering. Benoit, who loves her very much, will fly in from Boston to be with her during her final moments on this earth.

As I write this, I am in tears—not only from the stark fact of her impending death (of course, we and everyone we know are going to die) but also from the happiness and joy that she has brought us and all those she has met for almost 14 years. Her wagging tail always felt (and feels) to me like a great smile from being itself, a reminder of the awakening power of unconditional love.

Ella, thank you for the tremendous gift of your being! Though you will never read this, I know that you feel what is in my heart.